A FAMILY WISH LIST - #1

When I was pastoring, it was my practice to preach a series of sermons on THE FAMILY at least once every year. From many different sources, all of us are made aware that there does continue to be a very real need for this subject of the Family to be Biblically addressed, even more so now! In the midst of today's challenges and cultural confusion, it nearly goes without saying that the Family is in serious trouble. Not only does our culture, but satan also wages warfare against the Family. The roles of Family Members in these critical days have become very confused, unbiblical, frustrating, annoying and spark dissension and division. What is expected and wished for relating to in-laws, grandparents, parents, husbands, wives, and children require "the wisdom of Solomon". (King Solomon of Israel was the writer of the Book of Proverbs in the Bible, and was truly considered one of the wisest persons who ever lived. For God told him, at the beginning of his reign, to ask for what he needed and desired most, and his answer was that God would grant him WISDOM.) And so, in this series of blogs, I want to dwell on the interpersonal relationships involved in family living. Let's begin with the sensitive subject of IN-LAWS! The sub-title of this blog is:

"I WISH MY IN-LAWS WOULD. . ."

Relationships with in-laws can be especially complicated. Someone has quipped that instead of there being In-Laws, for many, there are Out-Laws. Some of us are blessed with wonderful and joyous relationships with our in-laws, but many are not so blessed. Marriage counselors interviewed recently were all in agreement that the majority (about three-fourths) of all couples have significant problems with their spouse's family. In 2005, a romantic comedy starring Jennifer Lopez and Jane Fonda hit the movie theater screen. It was called "MONSTER-IN-LAW". In this movie, the main conflict begins when a lady named Charlie (Charlotte) and her boyfriend Kevin get engaged. Viola, Kevin's mother, is convinced that Charlie is not good enough for her son and she tries everything to sabotage their relationship and prevent their marriage. Viola's scheming includes faking an anxiety attack to move in with the couple and then recruiting Kevin's ex-girlfriend to cause problems. However, Charlie eventually realizes what is happening and decides to fight back, and relationships get nasty. What a sad commentary on in-law relationships, but many times it's more fact than fiction, not just on the movie screen, but in real-life dramas.

In-Laws are all those included in the spouse's natural family. Some years ago, I preached on the subject: "I WISH MY IN-LAWS WOULD. . ." and asked people in the congregation to complete a Wish List about their in-laws. Here are some examples of their honest responses.

1) "I wish my in-laws would respect and not look down on me for my opinions and actions that differ from theirs."

2) "I wish my in-laws would be more frugal with their money so we as their children don't have to worry about paying off all their "toys" when they die."

3) "I wish my in-laws would emancipate their adult children, and love and accept them without conditions."

4) "I wish all my brothers-in-law stopped hiding behind their wives and speak up for truth."

5) "I wish my in-laws would mind their own business and stay out of ours."

6) "I wish my in-laws would practice "tough love" with their children. With prayer and wisdom address their children's abusive behavior and see truth rather than be in denial."

7) "I wish my in-laws would leave us alone more, and we could all respect proper separateness or boundaries."

8) "I wish my in-laws would love our children and show it!"

9) "I wish my in-laws would allow my husband to be the leader, spiritual head, decision-maker in our family."

Let's turn to the Bible for insights and instruction. First, we have the account of Naomi and her two daughters-in-law (Ruth 1:10-16). Naomi's husband and two sons had died and she was going back to her own country (From Moab to Judea). "And Naomi said to her two daughters-in-law, 'Go, return each of you to your mother's house. May the LORD deal kindly with you as you have dealt with the dead (their husbands) and with me. May the LORD grant that you may find rest (comfort), each in the home of your husband.' Then she kissed them, and they lifted up their voices and wept. And they said to her, 'No, but we will surely return with you to your people.' " (It turned out that only Ruth went with Naomi.) Second, we read in Exodus 18:14-19, "Now when Moses' father-in-law saw ALL he was doing for the people, he said, 'What is this thing that you are doing for the people? Moses answered him, 'Because the people come to me to inquire of God.' Moses' father-in-law said to him, 'You will surely wear out, both yourself and these people who are with you. . . .' " Moses' father-in-law went on to give Moses godly and loving advice which he gladly accepted and implemented. Using these two Scripture passages, let's focus on significant points regarding in-law relationships.

I WISH MY IN-LAWS WOULD RECEIVE ME AS THEIR OWN! - Ruth 1:10-16 This is a very honorable, worthy and acceptable desire and wish! This is modelled by Naomi and her two daughters-in-law and by Moses and his father-in-law. While this kind of relationship should be the norm, there are severe challenges that make it difficult to experience; challenges that must be acknowledged and worked through. They will take consistent prayer, effort and patience!

It is important to remember some relational principles. For PARENTS, when their adult child chooses a spouse, they must learn their response is to step back and accept that the marriage relationship is and always will be deeper than the parent-child relationship. This can be very hard to do, but it is absolutely necessary! Any other response can cause hurt feelings and resentment. Cherish the memories, but LET GO! For SPOUSES, both need to learn to love and appreciate each other's family members. As Ruth said, "Your people will be my people" (Ruth 1:16). Don't be jealous or competitive of your spouse's love for them. Memories of their lives together may run deep. On the other hand, each partner needs to be careful not to make the other feel like their family is "better" (even if they think it is). Resentments must be totally rejected and avoided!

Here are some other real and sometimes persistent challenges. First, there is the Challenge of Expectations, which can be Unrealistic! These can be one-sided or two-sided, entertained by just one party or by both parties. Second, there are the challenges relating to continuous Family Traditions. Every family has its own traditions, considered good or not so good, positive or negative. Making room or exceptions for these traditions can and often do create conflict. Third, there is the Challenge of Religious, Ideological or Political Differences. Any of these can certainly be complex, divisive, and deeply entrenched. They may cause controversy, alienation and isolation. And because people can get involved in heated discussions or conversations, these differences can result in hurtful words or attitudes that are more easily expressed than forgotten, forgiven and resolved. As true followers of Jesus, we must be careful to speak and act as He would have us, and seek to be effective as witnesses with integrity of the Gospel of Jesus Christ! Fourth, we may encounter the Challenge of the Clash of Cultures. In-laws come from differing back-grounds, perhaps even ethnic differences and definitely a generational gap.

Actually, none of these challenges and potential problems diminish our desire for our in-laws to accept us as their own.

I WISH MY IN-LAWS WOULD RESPECT MY SPACE! - Exodus 18:14-19 While it is probably a rare occurrence for in-laws to be an intruder, it is possible to disregard healthy boundaries. Uninvited or over-extended visits may be troublesome. And, there is the unsolicited, unwanted advice which sometimes can take the form of telling a person what to do or not do. God explained that when a man and a woman marry, they leave their father and mother, and become ONE with each other, creating a NEW family! This is the "Leave and Cleave" principle. God's Word says, ". . .a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife, and they shall be one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). The real difficulty in many marriages is that one or the other and maybe both of the "recent-weds" have not retreated from the once appropriate relationship with parents enough to bring about the oneness of spousal relationship as ordained by God. As true followers of Jesus, we should prayerfully evaluate the intentions and motives involved and refuse to be defensive and harbor resentment. "In the way of righteousness is life" (Proverbs 12:28).

I WISH MY IN-LAWS WOULD RECONCILE WITH US! - There may be some unresolved conflicts that need to be addressed and worked through toward the goal of reconciliation. My personal opinion is that the husband or the wife needs to take the initiative and the leadership to work through the conflict when that conflict exists with his or her own natural family. For example, the wife should not be the one to address their conflict with her husband's family! The Scripture is clear, "If possible, so far as it depends on YOU, be at peace with all men" (Romans 12:18). Henry Ford once said, "Don't find Fault, find a Remedy". Here are a few suggestions for trying to rebuild a strained or conflicted relationship and to reconcile with an in-law.

1) Prayerfully follow explicitly Biblical commands and principles (Matthew 18:15-17)! Start here for it's the most important.

2) Maintain a sense of humor. Refuse bitterness, resentfulness, and unforgiveness. That is our responsibility and then we leave the results to God. When we follow Biblical teaching, it is up to our in-law and God to complete the process.

3) Focus on the one or two things you have in common, once the reconciliation process has progressed.

4) Don't settle for a pseudo peace! Get to the bottom of the matter, tackle the bottom-line issues, "speak the truth in love" as the Bible says, speaking with kindness, and firmness. Do not accept excuses! Talk it out in person or over the phone if distance is involved, BUT NEVER in text, email or letter!

5) Seek to understand before being understood!

6) Do an honest self-inventory. Ask yourself and seek to answer in what ways could YOU be a better in-law.

In-Law relationships can be very difficult! Remember, we will either manage them or we will be managed by them! There is a little saying that I have "edited" a bit to fit this subject:

TO LIVE ABOVE WITH IN-LAWS I LOVE, OH THAT WILL BE GLORY!

TO LIVE BELOW WITH IN-LAWS I KNOW, WELL THAT'S ANOTHER STORY!

The second blog in this series will be published next Sunday; I hope you will read it!