A FAMILY WISH LIST - #3

"I WISH MY HUSBAND WOULD. . .", as the focus of this blog, should catch the attention of every husband and wife. Flip on the evening news, browse some articles on the internet, have coffee with a friend, attend a small group of men or women for a time of study, sharing, and fellowship, and it becomes obvious that for many there is marital strife and division. Many marriages are on the brink of disaster; separation and divorce are extremely common, unfaithfulness and extra-marital affairs abound. Pornography has for many taken the place of healthy sexual relationships in marriage. So, regardless of your marital health, this blog is for you!

The family, and the marriage of one man and one woman for a life-time was not constructed by humanity, but by God Himself! "Then God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him, male and female He created them" (Genesis 1:27). "Then the LORD God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.' So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man. . . .; then He took one of the ribs and closed up the flesh at that place (First Surgery Ever Performed!). The LORD God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man (First Marriage Ever Performed). For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh" (Genesis 2:21-22 and 24). It is Biblically very clear that the marital relationship as God instituted it is the most sacred, intimate and lasting of ALL HUMAN BONDS!

In preaching on this subject, I asked WIVES in the congregation to complete this sentence: "I WISH MY HUSBAND WOULD. . ." and hand in their responses. I received many! That told me their wish list was very important! Before we look at the predominant ones, let's consider this Scripture: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of the water with the Word. . . . So, husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies" (Ephesians 6:25-28).

1) Husbands are commanded to love their own wives UNCONDITIONALLY!

2) Christ's unconditional love for His followers (the church) is the example for husbands to follow

in loving their wife.

3) Husbands are taught to give themselves UP for their wife just as Christ gave UP Himself for His church.

4) The husband is to sanctify (set apart and make holy) and cleanse (purify) his wife just like

Christ did for His church. And he does this through the cleansing of God's Word.

This is certainly a CHALLENGING but very CLEAR TEACHING FROM GOD'S WORD! Let's be "doers of the Word and not hearers only" (James 1:22-25). So, now, let's look at that WISH LIST for husbands:

"I WISH MY HUSBAND WOULD COMMUNICATE WITH ME!"

James 1:19-20 says, ". . .everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not in any way achieve the righteousness of God." Open, honest and interactive communication is what wives truly desire! Have you noticed that many men, including husbands, desire to be heard rather than hear, speak instead of listening, and make assumptions before FIRST understanding facts, feelings and perspectives? You see, two-way communication is the KEY to relationships, and it is indeed the KEY to a healthy marriage. Healthy communication:

1) Involves Controlling Your Emotions! The opposite of this is being Controlled BY Your Emotions! We will either manage our emotional responses in communication or we will be controlled by them! Mismanagement of our emotions can result in anger, bitterness, holding grudges, the use of the "Silent Treatment", inappropriate words, accusations and judgments.

2) Involves Speaking! We must implement speaking kindly, in love, with consideration and respect, and with the purpose of Lifting Up rather than tearing down. We must be encouraging rather than discouraging, and blessing rather than "cursing" each other. As the Apostle James said, "be slow to speak." Husbands, think about your words BEFORE engaging your mouth!

3) Involves Listening! Seek to hear, rather than to be heard! Seek to understand, rather than to be understood! Again, James said, "Be quick to hear." Real and genuine listening takes concentration, purpose, effort and skill development. Because of human nature, listening does not come naturally to many of us; we need to cultivate the "art of listening."

4) Involves Talking About FEELINGS. Being able to expose and dialogue about how we feel as well as understand and appreciate how our wife feels is foreign to most husbands. Men tend to be much more comfortable with FACTS rather than with risky FEELINGS! Most women are just the opposite! I dare say, we have not truly communicated until we have been open about our feelings and receptive to our wife's feelings. Our wife needs to be given the freedom and encouragement to talk over her feelings! A wise and loving husband will consistently give his wife this liberty without compulsion, restriction, and without feeling frustrated. To be candid, it took me personally quite a long time to realize this principle and practice it, and I am still learning!

Sometimes, straight-forward and sensitive communication is blocked because there is a fear of being open and vulnerable. There can be fear of opposition, misunderstanding, reprisal, or the unwanted repercussions. This fear can produce tears, embarrassment and silence. Consider the Apostle John's teaching that "There is no fear in (unconditional) love; but perfect (mature) love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love"

(I John 4:18). There is a definite difference between togetherness and proximity. Just because we have close proximity to each other does not mean we are experiencing togetherness or "being on the same page" as some say. And a sense of togetherness can meaningfully exist even when close proximity does not exist.

I encourage husbands to remember this: Your wife and your marriage is a relationship, rather than a project to be completed or a problem to be solved.

"I WISH MY HUSBAND WOULD BE MORE CONCERNED ABOUT OUR FINANCES!" This speaks of Financial Security! It is so true that lack of adequate finances puts great stress on the marriage relationship. Do you know that in today's society, where the reason for divorce is declared (in most cases couples seeking divorce don't have to declare any reason) that financial incapability has taken over the number one reason, replacing marital infidelity? Many wives these days have to work for a paycheck just to make "ends meet." The lack of money can induce fear, anxiety, doubts, frustration and a critical spirit. Remember, while the husband might handle the scarcity of money a bit more in stride than his wife, she may experience more fear, anxiety, inner turmoil and utter worry! I say this too: that regarding husbands and wives both being in the work-force, they need to arrive at a total agreement with each other about the facts, arrangements, child care, and the potential challenges and the ways they spend their money. Challenges to be planned for include: layoffs, changes adopted by the employer, pregnancy, emergencies, illness, death, etc.

"I WISH MY HUSBAND WOULD GIVE MORE TIME TO OUR FAMILY!" Husbands, if we are too busy to invest our best time in our wife and children, then we are too busy! They deserve our best; not our "Left-Overs." The time we give to them is an investment; not an expenditure, an asset or a liability. The investment of time and personal involvement is our most valuable commodity and is like CEMENT in a family relationship.

"I WISH MY HUSBAND WOULD LOVE ME!" We read at the beginning of this blog about the example of Jesus who unconditionally loved His church in Ephesians 5:25-27. He loved unconditionally, unselfishly and sacrifically. These qualities are not a one-time offering to our wife, but they are a life-style; every minute, every day, every year with no rival and no excuses!

"I WISH MY HUSBAND WOULD SPIRITUALLY LEAD OUR FAMILY!" This was the number one desire on the WISH LIST I derived from wives who responded to my request for their input. I left it for last in this blog for the purpose of emphasis. Husbands, I want to directly and without any apology ask you, Are you the spiritual leader in your family? Are you the one who leads family devotions, the one who reads the Scriptures, conducts family prayer, takes the family to church, who sets the example of tithing income, serving Jesus in the context of buidling His Kingdom? OR, are you dismissing these altogether, or leaving them to your wife to take care of? I want to assure you that God calls you as husband/father to be the spiritual leader, and He holds you accountable. Your wife probably wants you to lead!

In conclusion, do you desire a marriage and family that survives or thrives? The word "normal" is defined as "ordinary, average, regular, usual, run-of-the-mill, or typical". Do you want the normal marriage and family, or do you want one that excels, stands out, thrives and is God-honoring? Husbands, the choice is Yours! You have read the several wishes that wives have. I hope you refuse to be defensive and that you do not ignore them. I pray for you and me that we will fulfill those expressed wishes and defeat satan who tries to "sell us a fake bill of goods!"