DATING? ASK THESE ?s FIRST!

Dating? This blog doesn't fit in decisively with The Family Wish List (see my previous 5 blogs), although the subject of "dating" does have a relationship to FAMILY. It would seem like this topic is for the single people, which, according to the US Census Bureau, constitutes more than 50 percent of the adult population. So, this writing will be of interest, and hopefully, help to many.

This is not an easy topic to write about for a variety of reasons. The issue of dating truly encompasses such a broad spectrum of people. There are the teenagers who are about to embark on dating for the first time; there are "20-30 somethings" who have been on innumberable dates, and then, there are those in their later years who may suddenly find themselves entering back into, perhaps with hesitancy, the world of dating due to a divorce or death of a long time spouse. Now, if that does not make it difficult enough, it is also because the Bible says very little that is specific to our modern day activity called "dating."

One additional thought at the outset here is that dating itself and the ones who date, are now existing in an ungodly culture that distorts values, promotes lies, confuses many, denies Biblical principles and defies just good common sense. The influencers are many; much of our public educational system, social media, the internet, television, movies, videos, books and on and on. So there is a huge need for discernment, guidance, wisdom, self-control and a reliance upon Biblical principles and wholesome choices. With all that said, I will attempt to deal with four basic questions as we take a look at this very important topic.

1) WHEN SHOULD I START DATING? Let's understand there is not some magical age. Of course, a matter of maturity enters in here. Regarding the younger folks wanting to start dating (or "going out" as they call it), I believe parents decide on the appropriate age for their son or daughter to begin dating. If you are the parent, you will need to use wisdom, love, tact and of course, a good memory of your own youth and initial dating experiences. Parents should make this decision, and clearly communicate it to their kids years in advance, not in a "spur of the moment" when everyone's emotions may be "on edge." This direct and specific communication ahead of time gives a child something to look forward to and for all to be adequately prepared for. Since every situation is different, everyone involved needs to be sure that their priorities are in order.

2) WHY SHOULD I DATE? First, there are many wrong reasons to date. Loneliness is not a good motivator for anticipation to date. Physical appearance is a pretty shallow reason and usually has disappointing results. A desire for popularity is a very poor reason to date someone. Seeking to be popular brings many pitfalls, poor choices, keeping wrong company and exposing oneself to potential immorality. Also, hopes of a physical relationship with someone is certainly a very wrong reason for dating! Second, of course, there are good reasons for dating. It is a good opportunity to learn and practice the art of properly relating to the opposite sex. It's a time to learn how to share thoughts, and learn to be less self-centered. To fulfill a desire for friendship and companionship with a fellow follower of Jesus is awesome. Dating in accordance with Biblical principles presents a chance to share your life, purposes, goals, beliefs, convictions and the potential for eventual love. Dating is how we discover the qualities we are looking for in the person we hope to marry some day. "Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion" (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10).

3) WHO SHOULD I DATE? This is a very good question that all potential daters should ask themselves and consider seriously! Every Christian must ponder this question in light of Scripture! First, date only a person who shares your beliefs about Jesus and has personal faith and trust in Him! How much sadness and heart break would be avoided if this principle were followed. Let me be perfectly clear, there is no Biblical pathway for a follower of Jesus to engage in "Missionary Dating!" No genuine believer in Jesus should date a non-believer. Scripture (not me) states: "Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and unrighteousness, or what fellowship has light with darkness? Or what harmony has Christ with Belial (a Hebrew word meaning wickedness or worthlessness), or what has a believer in common with an unbeliever? Or what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; just as God said, ' I WILL DWELL IN THEM AND WALK AMONG THEM; AND I WILL BE THEIR GOD, AND THEY SHALL BE MY PEOPLE. THEREFORE, COME OUT FROM THEIR (unbelievers) MIDST AND BE SEPARATE,' says the Lord" (II Corinthians 6:14-17). And know this . . . children do not arrive at this teaching and principle on their own; it is a parental responsibility and privilege to teach and train children to date in accordance with Biblical truth! Parents, please do not neglect this responsibility! By fulfilling it, you will not be sorry! Second, only date someone you honestly see yourself marrying some day. Of course, you will not marry every person you date, BUT you will date the person you eventually marry, so the absolute best question to ask yourself prior to asking for or accepting a date is: "Knowing what I know, would I actually want to marry him/her?"

Third, only date a person who truly meets or exceeds the standards and priorities that you have previously established. Fourth, date only a person you have sincerely prayed over, and have God's peace about.

4) HOW SHOULD I ACT IN A DATING RELATIONSHIP? Remember, you alone are responsible for your own actions! Let no one pressure or influence you to discard your integrity, spiritual convictions and priorities, to act in any way to contradict these! As a follower of Christ, determine ahead of time to resist and reject all forms of compromise! So, first, show mutual respect. Be sensitive to trust issues, and seek to listen attentively. Second, be honest about your feelings! Be Tactful, but TRUTHFUL! The truth can hurt, but avoiding the truth can hurt more! "Therefore, laying aside all falsehood, SPEAK TRUTH EACH ONE of you, with everyone, for we are members of one another" (Ephesian 4:25). Third, be very clear in understanding and defining the relationship, so that NO ONE is led on to believing and trusting something that is not there. Fourth, STAY PURE!

Jesus said, "Blessed are the pure in heart. . . ." (Matthew 5:8). Remaining PURE means:

a) To choose to not be sexually active prior to marriage. God intended the sexual relationship to be reserved for the marriage of one man and one woman committed to each other for a life time. "Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge" (Hebrews 13:4). This Scripture clearly emphasizes the sanctity of marriage and the purity of sexual intimacy within the marital relationship, while condemning sexual activity outside of it. "For this is the will of God, your sanctification (purity, holiness); that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel (physical body) in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion like those who do not know God" (I Thessa-

lonians 4:3-5). Pre-marital sexual activity can produce emotional damage; life will go on, but you'll leave some of yourself behind! Sexual activity outside of marriage can invite comparisons, jealousy and even anger and resentment in your future spouse. And, remember, there are often physical, emotional and spiritual consequences that may haunt you all your life. It is not worth all the risks involved! Sexual immorality is a sin! "Flee immorality. Every other sin that a person commits is outside the body, but the immoral person sins against his own body" (I Corinthians 6:18).

b) To refuse to live together before marriage. Many think that this arrangement will let them decide IF they want to marry the person they live with, or they think that marriage is "just a piece of paper" and they can just skip it to avoid the difficulties involved in a divorce! These beliefs are lies intended by satan to destroy what marriage IS. Marriage is a life-long committment, a covenant, not a temporary life-style to be discarded when a better option shows up. Reliable studies and also statistics show that couples who live together outside of the marriage covenant are more likely to never marry or to divorce after marriage, and increases the risk of domestic violence. The Bible says we must avoid the very appearance of evil. "Abstain from every form of evil" (I Thessalonians 5:22).

In closing, Ecclesiastes 4:12 says, "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not easily broken." For those of you who are dating, Jesus Christ is your third strand, woven right into the mix with you and your date. HE is the ONE who brings strength, stability, purity and peace in your relationship. When you live IN Jesus Christ and make Him your third strand, ALL will be able to see and know your relationship is solidly Christian and thus is distinctive and wholesomely different from that which the world (of ungodliness) practices!